McCracken contacted me in order to, I don't know, reprimand me? It's not the right word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. This has simply reminded me why highschool was so goddamn terrible and why I hate this town in addition to the people in it.
In light of that, I believe I'm retracting my rsvp to the party tomorrow night. I'll apologize at a later time, or I won't. In all likelihood, it will be the second option. I'm simply far too angry with far too many people involved in that shindig for me to voluntarily show up, and I owe no one there anything more than a curt nod down in passing.
I think I'm going to try and get out of here Saturday directly after work. There's no reason for me to stick around here more than I have to. The sooner I'm out of the entire St. Louis area, the sooner I can bash my head into a wall over and over so I can forget this entire few days. One of those moments where I just look at Greenland and Iceland and think that possibly I should just go now. But I won't. I need start up money, and that's what the next several years are for. The US Army is going to pay for me to live in a different country, the irony doesn't escape me.
But the only thing here on sunday is church, and I can't listen to Pastor Eatherton give another sermon on "keeping marriages in the faith." Every argument I hear him say could word for word be used for race instead. "They could tempt you into their ways." "Their faiths will impure yours." etc etc. Last time, I got up and left and puked outside. I can't believe some of the stuff I hear him say. Religion is a way to cross the boundaries present in all ethical and cultural situations. Some people say that the world would be better without religion, but they're wrong. It's our saving aspect. Without a slightly unified way of thinking, we would have died out a long time ago.
But then to turn it on it's head as a way to hurt people and keep them separated, it's literally enough to make me sick. I have a physical reaction to it, it hits me that hard to hear otherwise good and honest people say it. It's a bastardization of everything that is good and wonderful about the entire thing. A believer shouldn't be worried about protecting their faith. It's there, it's not going anywhere. They should just go out and find someone that they love and care about and be with that person. If they're of different religions? All the better. If I remember right, converts are a believer's favourite word to hear. Who better to convert than your spouse? Are you not strong enough to not "give-in" to your spouse? Are you not provided enough strength for it by your God?
The only way that you can reconcile abandoning someone over religion is simply your own fear. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of losing yourself. But a good spouse isn't trying to change you for themselves, they aren't actively attempting to change you at all. You got married because you accept and cherish that person exactly as they are. If they never changed, you could still be happy forever. If change comes, it's because of the positive forces you display in your life, not through manipulation and games. Manipulation will change actions, but never hearts.
Religion that uses emotional pleas and backhanded manipulation to sway it's faithful and exclude and hurt others isn't a religion at all, it's a hate-cult. If it's ever a them-vs-us situation, get out. Just grab the Bible, grab the Koran, grab the Book of Mormon, the scrolls of Zoroastor, the Baghava-Gita, grab whatever you hold dear, go home and read it. Don't let someone else tell you what to believe. It's your heart, your mind. Religion comes from you, not from the people around you. It's a personal choice, and if you were alone in the world in believing what you do and you give it up because you're alone, then you never really believed. A desert island faith, a place of refuge for yourself and yourself alone. A place where others may visit and leave their mark, but are instructed to leave after a while. A place where it could be just you forever, and you would still be a fast foundation against any coming storm. That is religion, that is faith. Anything less, is nothing.
But I think that's why they try and convince you to never marry outside the faith. Because they know that they can't play the game at that level. When you care about someone, enough "you'd give an arm for? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for? When they know they're your heart. And you know you were their armour. And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm 'er" situation, when that person has become so much of you that you let them live with you and be part of your personal religion, then manipulation (outside of where to go for dinner) might as well be playing Russian Roulette. There are no winners, only a bunch of people that get hurt, and those left over to cry over the corpses. And then who would buy that new stain glass window?
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